


its true love that he thinks of

by moonplums



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Childhood Trauma, Christmas, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Engagement, Jealousy, M/M, Nausea, Neglect, Panic Attacks, Vomiting, also side narusasu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:47:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28328499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonplums/pseuds/moonplums
Summary: after not spending christmas with his family in years, itachi wants to announce his engagement to shisui, but things dont go as planned.
Relationships: Uchiha Itachi/Uchiha Shisui
Comments: 4
Kudos: 67





	its true love that he thinks of

**Author's Note:**

> pls read all of the tags!
> 
> am i projecting onto itachi a bit? perhaps 
> 
> quick psa for anyone wondering: shisui and itachi are in no way related in this. shisui was adopted into the family at a very late age. 
> 
> itachi is allowed to cry and complain all he wants in modern au's, bc i say so.
> 
> also, pls remember, this is MODERN AU, they are going to be a bit out of character.

“We don't have to go inside.”

Itachi’s eyes rose from where they had been tracing the outline of the shined ruby on his finger. The fit was a bit loose now, but when he had first gotten it it had fit perfectly. It came off a bit too easily when he shoved it into his coat pocket and zipped it inside. 

“We drove all the way here.” Itachi reminded Shisui, who didn't really need reminding, since he had done all the driving, and grabbed the door handle. 

Before he could get it all the way open, Shisui reached across him and closed it. An old memory bubbled right at the edge of his consciousness and he did his very best to ignore it, to not give it a reaction in the hope that it would pass him by. For the most part, he was successful. There was only a flash of his father’s angered face, of his own crying, the old anxiety about grades blossoming in him for just an instant, there and then gone the next. 

He wasn't in school anymore. It had been half a decade. It would have been even longer, if he hadn't been such a fa-

“I mean it.” Shisui’s eyes bore deeply into his, and they pulled Itachi back to the present like a lifebuoy thrown out to a drowning person. “We don't have to.”

Itachi stubbornly swallowed down the bile that had been threatening to rise up his throat the entire car ride. 

“I want to see Sasuke.” Itachi said, lips pressed tightly together. That was true, it had been so long since he had seen his little brother. The last time had been at his graduation. Itachi had not gone for Christmas or any other holiday last year, or the year before. 

“And Naruto is here too.” Itachi took Shisui's hand off the handle of the door and curled their fingers together, giving them a light squeeze. Shisui looked at where their fingers were intertwined for a moment, and then slowly looked at Itachi's face. He didn't look as convinced as Itachi wanted him to be.

“And,” Itachi swallowed tightly. “We’re going to tell them, aren't we?” 

He was already worried about how they would react to the news. It had been months since they had gotten engaged, but it had been kept private. No one in the family knew about it. The wedding planning was already long underway, and the date was already set for the following fall. 

“If you're ready.” 

“I am.” 

He was as excited as he was nervous. He couldn't tell what was affecting him more. Even though he knew he shouldn't expect much, he wanted to. He had run over about a hundred outcomes, but he knew which one he wanted to receive. 

Shisui’s smile warmed up the lingering freeze underneath his skin. “Let's go then?”

Still it was a question. Even now, he was giving Itachi the option to run away. Shisui wouldn't think any less of him if he changed his mind. Shisui never thought any less of him, no matter what. No matter what mistakes he made, no matter the outcome of any attempt made from him, Shisui still looked at him without judgment. 

Itachi nodded and this time was successful in slipping out of the car. The cold bit at his cheeks and ruffled his hair, and he found himself wondering if he should have tied it back like he usually did. He normally only wore it down to sleep, but Shisui had reassured him again and again that it looked nice. 

As if reading his thoughts, Shisui slipped his hand into the back of Itachi's coat and pulled out his hair from where it had been trapped inside for most of the ride. Finally, his scalp found some relief from where it had been getting weighed down from where it had been trapped underneath the heavy, faux fur lined hood. 

Once they had gathered at the presents from the back, they headed towards the side door. The driveway was already full, and they had to balance themselves and the presents that kept their arms loaded and busy while not slipping over the few remaining patches of ice on the concrete. 

Just as Shisui stepped up to the door, Itachi's stomach gave a lurch and he hurriedly slapped a gloved hand over his mouth and turned away from the door, clutching the bags tightly to his chest in the hopes they would be out of aim,

“Shit.” 

He heard the door open and Shisui scuffle around to put down the presents he had been holding. 

“Here,‘Tachi , give them to me. I’ll be right back. Just breath, sit down here if you need to.” 

Itachi nodded. Going into the house like this would only make it worse. Though it was humiliating for him to admit, this wouldn't be the first time he would get sick right outside someone's doorstep. 

Without the burden of the bags weighing down his arms, he yanked down the zipper of his coat and pulled up the collar of his turtleneck so it wasnt layered over his throat. It looked ridiculous ending just at the bottom of his lips, but it certainly felt better. 

“Where's Itachi?” He heard Obito call from inside the house, and he rolled his eyes. 

“He’ll be in in a few.” Shisui's voice was right back at the door, coming back to gather the resort of his presents. “You okay?” 

Itachi gave a sharp nod and took a few steps further down the small path to the door and he heard Shisui rush off with the rests of the bags. 

“Hey.”

Itachi jumped at the voice and quickly turned around. Sasuke hovered in the doorway, wearing a sweater that must have been given to him by their mother, since no one else would ever be able to get him into such a thing, and calf length fuzzy socks that were pulled up over his cuffed pants. He was adorable in Itachi's eyes, even though the way he carried himself clearly showed Itachi he was out of his element. 

“Want some water?” Sasuke offered awkwardly, hands going to shove themselves in his pockets. 

Itachi uncurled his hands from where they had been laid over his stomach, and opened his mouth to give a negative, that he would be coming inside any second, but before he could, his stomach gave a lurch. 

“I’ll be back.” 

When he did come back, Itachi was feeling a bit better. Or at least he was, until he saw who had followed Sasuke out to the door. 

_ Where was Shisui?  _

Ignoring the wetness of the path, Sasuke stepped down the stairs just as Naruto came crashing down the hallway to give Itachi the bottle of water. He had already uncapped it, and Itachi muttered a thanks as he took a small sip. Sometimes water helped and sometimes it didn't, but he was thankful that seemed to this time. 

“Hi, Itachi!” Naruto waved from the doorway, as Fugaku inched away from him so he wouldn't get swatted in the head. Itachi gave a slight wave in return, knowing Naruto wouldn't be hurt by his lack of response. 

“Hello, Father.” Itachi got out as soon as he could. Itachi brought the bottle back up for another step, silently begging for the nausea to go away while the skin of his neck felt like it had been set on fire underneath his shirt. Sweat gathered at the back of his neck and trickled down his back. 

“Hello, Itachi.” His father closed his eyes and crossed his arms. “Feeling alright?” 

“You know this happens sometimes. He’s not sick.” Sasuke was quick to come to his defense. 

“I never said he was.” 

“Who's letting all the damn cold in the house?” 

Naruto and Fugaku parted as quickly as the red sea to let the wrinkled old man that was their great uncle peer out the door. As soon as their eyes locked, Itachi suddenly felt perfectly fine. 

It was quite odd. It wasn't as if Madara actually calmed him. It was more like his presence made him so on alert that his body didn't have the energy to spend on being nauseous. 

“Oh, it's you.”

Madara squinted at him from the doorway, and Itachi wondered if he could actually see him. Madara had been ancient for as long as he could remember. He was an oddity even for an Uchiha, with no one ever really knowing what he had done in his past, what he had done for a living, or anything else really. 

All that he really did was give orders that no one dared to not follow, and adopt random orphans off the side of the road. In one of the cases, it was quite literal. He had found Obito half dead in a ditch when he was thirteen, thrown from a car and half crushed to death. His parents had, sadly, not escaped as well as he had. 

How he had ended up adopting Shisui had been just as spontaneous. Though he had not been in an accident, he had run away from his foster home when he was sixteen, and lived on the streets. Itachi could still recall hearing his father complain about some kid that kept stealing from corner stores and gas stations that kept getting away from them, much to the anger of the owners of the establishment. It was a rather long story, but in the end Madara had took him in.

Itachi knew Shisui didn't like to talk about those times. 

Sometimes, Itachi felt guilty. He knew hardships shouldn't be compared, but Shisui had had quite the difficult life, but he was always the one comforting Itachi with a smile on his face and endless supply of patience. 

“Come in, Shisui is waiting for you.” Madara turned and quickly waved Naruto and Fugaku down the hall. Both of them went without any complaint. 

Itachi's body moved before his mind could even catch up. Sasuke peeled off his wet socks and waited for him to take off his shoes and coat by the door. After a moment of hesitance, he ended up slipping the ring out of his coat and into his pants pocket. 

As soon as he was straightened out, he was taken by surprise by the warm arms that curled around him. 

“I missed you.” Sasuke whispered, as if afraid of anyone else hearing him. 

Itachi shakily returned the hug. This was already going better than he had expected. No one had yelled at him yet. Madara didn't count, he just spoke too loud because he could hardly even hear himself anymore. “I’ve missed you too.”

“I have to tell you something.” Sasuke said when they parted, his warmth still remained on Itachi's icy skin. 

“I have something to tell you, too. But, what is it?” Instantly, his mind wandered off to far off places. He tried to reassure himself again and again that all of the ludicrous things his mind wanted to come up with were false. Though they hadn't seen each other in person, they often texted one another. Itachi told himself that if he ignored his thoughts, they would eventually go away. No matter how much they killed him when they were there. Sometimes that worked, and sometimes it didn't. Plenty of times, it didn't. 

“Itachi.” Madara called.

Itachi smiled at Sasuke apologetically and they both hurried to answer the call. After a course of nerve wracking greetings to his mother, his father again, Obito and his wife Rin and their strange friend Kakashi who seemed to come with them everywhere, the handful of cousins, and Naruto, he finally spotted the person he wanted to see most. 

Shisui gave him a guilty smile from the couch. Itachi see the need for him to be apologetic, and quickly went to join him. 

It wasn't as bad as he had convinced himself it would be in the need to prepare himself for disaster. 

After some time, Itachi found himself enjoying the attention that he was getting. His mother was doting on him, his father wasn't scolding him, Obito wasn't screaming for once in his life. Sasuke was smiling and he caught all the lingering touches he shared with Naruto. 

He knew he shouldn't get his hopes up, but they came as they always did. He found himself engaging in conversation without a tremor in his voice. When his job came up, he wasn't ashamed to talk about it, his father even paid attention. 

After the utter disaster that had been the family finding out about him and Shisui, he never thought it would be like this again. 

He didn't want it to go away. A quiet, dark hunger for everyone to care about him a bit more than everyone else that he had long since shoved down into the furthest corners of his heart was threatening to come back up. He kept on noticing that his mother was actually looking at him for longer than a few seconds, even though Sasuke was also there. 

Once their presents had all been opened, Itachi gave Shisui's hand a squeeze. Material things weren't important, and he had plenty of money to buy himself things now, but he couldn't help but notice that the things he received were actually, for the most part, things that he liked. The cashmere sweater his mother had gifted him were varying shades of gray and reds, unlike the purples and blues she used to get him in his youth.

It was petty, he knew, but he had always hated that she seemed to always forget what colors he actually preferred. The realization that they were actually the colors Sasuke liked left a bad taste in his mouth. It was the same for his fathers gifts to him. Instead of gifting Itachi what he wanted him to be interested in, they were actually about things that  _ he  _ liked. He never thought the day where his father gifted him fantasy beyond the age of seven would ever come. 

It really wasn't either of their faults. It was all so small. He should be grateful for anything they gave him, he knew that. He was thankful. Sasuke was the baby, and she had been sick most of his childhood, it made more than enough sense that he was her favorite. His father had always been busy with work, he couldn't help but not know exactly what Itachi would have wanted for Christmas. 

His heart was pounding in excitement as he prepared himself to make the announcement to everyone. They would be happy for him, for both of them. He wanted them to be so badly. 

Itachi waited until after they had eaten, and everyone was relaxing and was working himself up to the point of opening his mouth and saying what he needed to. He had some worries, but the atmosphere was good, and he hoped beyond hope it would go the way he wanted. 

Of course, the mood had been good on  _ that  _ day too. But he didn't let himself think about that. This was different, they had finally accepted them.

“Hey, are you gonna tell them or what?” 

Itachi’s eyes snapped over to the other side of the room, where Naruto and Sasuke were squeezed together on a single armchair and were staring one another down. The raised voice caught the attention of everyone, 

“I said I would.” Sasuke rolled his eyes. 

“When?” Naruto countered. “If you’re scared, just say that, you know? I won’t be mad.”

Sasuke just sighed and turned to face the curious onlookers. 

_ Is this really happening?  _ Itachi had immediately understood what was going on.    
  


Part of him wanted to scream, part of him wanted to beg Sasuke to just not say it. It had taken him so long,  _ months _ , to prepare himself for this. Words did not come to him with ease as they did with his brother. Sasuke could just come out and say things in a way that he couldn't. 

“Naruto and I are seeing one another, I guess.”

“You guess?” Obito immediately attacked.

“We  _ are _ together. No guessing.” 

The room erupted just in the way Itachi knew that it would. His mother made a noise that he had never heard her make before in her life, and she was the first to reach them and gather them in a hug. 

It all seemed to happen in slow motion. 

Itachi only came back to himself when he was on his knees in the upstairs bathroom, emptying his stomach with his stomach feeling like it had been turned inside out repeatedly, and his eyes burning with indivisible flames. 

Why? Why did they have to do it today? Itachi was never home, he wanted to tell his family today, he just wanted, just for a few more hours, to have their precious attention set on him, set on them. He wanted their praise, and his parents favored, honey laced words, even though he knew they might not come. As long as the news had made them smile, made their eyes widen in surprise, that would have been enough for him. 

He must have not locked the door, because a presence was right at his back after a few seconds, and he could feel a hand running up and down his back. 

“I’m fine.” Itachi gasped out once his stomach was all emptied. He felt horrible, and the tears wouldn't stop. 

“Here.” Shisui helped him up onto his feet. 

Itachi clambered up onto his feet and he could hear Shisui flush for him as he washed out his mouth. He was dry heaving a bit, but there was absolutely nothing else that he could get up, so all there was was great discomfort throughout his whole body. 

“I’m fine.” Itachi repeated, dried off his face. 

“You’re not.” Shisui said. “But that...is fine. You can cry if you need to. There's no shame in getting sick, either.” 

Itachi nodded, and then his face crumbled again and he quickly turned around to grab onto him. 

When Shisui held him, he felt the tremors in his body come to a standstill, just for a second, before they picked back up. The fact he finally felt like he could breathe again helped greatly though, with Shisui holding him in the exact way he knew would help calm him down. 

Shisui always seemed to know what he needed. When he needed space, and when he needed Shisui to crame into his personal space and take it all up, so there was nothing left but him covered by his body. 

This was a time like that. He knew it would be ridiculous to anyone else, but felt like no one cared about him. It was all irrational, he had always known that it was. People being happy about Sasuke and Naruto finally getting together had absolutely nothing to do with Shisui and him being engaged. Literally, it had no effect. But in the moment it had  _ felt  _ like it did. 

“It's not fair.” Itachi felt himself croaking out against Shisui's shoulder. Shisui was the only person he would ever say something like that too. “When I told my parents about us, father called me all those names and said all those things about us. But with them, they're so happy. We didn't even grow up together, but they did, but for some reason, it's weird for us to be together? I hardly even saw you before you moved out of Madaras place.”

“Shh,” Shisui cooed. 

Itachi had been sent to the brink of despair when his parents had reacted the way they had and they had stopped talking to one another. 

A part of Itachi hated himself. He wished he didn't care. He wished he could be the sort of person who didnt care what his parents or his family thought, he wished he could express his pain and thoughts more clearly, so he didn't carry them around like he did. They affected him for so much longer than they should, because he never knew how to express them. Until he couldn't take them anymore, or they were forced so high that he could hardly manage them and broke like this. 

Shisui rocked him gently back and forth, until the tremors had all left and the bile that had continuously threatened to come back up stayed down. 

Shisui probably thought he was an idiot. He couldn't help but think that, even though he knew Shisui would be hurt if he knew he thought that. He knew Shisui didn't think of him like that, that he knew and understood that Itachi's emotions were both overflowing and repressed. 

“You want to go home?” Shisui whispered against his hair. “Huh?” Shisui pulled back and Itachi peaked up at him. Shisui smiled and raised his hands to wipe underneath his eyes. “We have dango in the freezer at home. Ice cream? Taiyaki? Cake?”

Itachi’s lips twitched in amusement, even as the tears continued to come down. 

“Imagine if Fugaku found out about the wedding through an Evite. Or we could do it over Facebook?” 

Itachi snorted in delight at the mental image that came up. He could just imagine the fit that would be thrown, and his stomach ached with something that wasn't nausea for the first time all day. 

“You’re so ridiculous.” Itachi huffed out against his shoulder. He moaned softly and nestled his face into Shisui's shoulder, searching for his warmth. It was instantly given to him. 

“Ugh, my eyeliner is probably all messed up.” Itachi complained, he could feel it burn in the corner of his eyes, and was thankful Shisui's shirt was pitch black. 

“Well...I didn't want to say anything.” Shisui smirked.

“Shut up.” 

“What if we make Sasuke and Naruto do all the setting up for the wedding? It’ll be punishment for ruining our announcement.” Shisui teased.

It was risky. It could either send Itachi into a spiral, or it could make him laugh. Humor, oddly enough, seemed to work on him well enough during moments like these. Shisui always looked too pleased with himself when it worked, and absolutely gutted when it didn't and whatever he said made Itachi cry and panic more. 

“Sasuke might cry if we make him carry all the chairs.” 

They laughed briefly together, and then their eyes met.

“Sorry.” Itachi whispered, softly. “I know I probably ruined-”

“You didn't ruin anything.” Shisui curled his fingers around a few strands of Itachi's hair. “If it makes you feel better, I don't think anyone noticed we left.”

Itachi wasn't sure if that did help or not, but either way, it was probably for the best. 

A knock caused the door behind them to nearly shake off its hinges. 

“Hey. Come out and show me it, brat.” 

Itachi nearly flatlined. 

“Madara,” Shisui immediately tried to fend him off. “Itachi needs a minute. Use the one downstairs, why'd you even come up here?”

Silence came, but neither of them actually thought Madara had left. A few more slams were added after just a few more seconds of silence. 

“Open. I want to see.”

Itachi sighed and gave Shisui a squeeze.

“It's alright,” Itachi assured him. He had already made a fool of himself, and though he really did not want to leave the safety of the bathroom, having Madara bring more attention to him hiding with a racket would only make him feel worse.

Sasuke. He was probably wondering where he had gone. He was probably wondering why Itachi didn't come to tell him how happy he was for him yet. He was happy, he had suspected that those two had had feelings for one another since they were children. He had knew before anyone else had. 

After a quick moment of Itachi cleaning off the running eyeliner marks left on his face, and trying to make his eyes look messy, Shisui finally opened the door. 

Madara held out his hand. 

Shisui took it in his and swung it around a bit. 

“Idiot.” Madara jammed his cane into Shisui's foot and side stepped him as he hobbled around in misery. “Not you.”

When Itachi confusedly tried to offer him his hand, but before he could, Madara shook his head. 

“Did you forget it's in your pocket or something?”

Itachi froze. Had Shisui told his parental figure about this without him knowing? Judging by the surprised look on his fiance's face, he hadn't. 

With no real reason to deny it, Itachi took out the ring from his pocket and handed it over. Madara lifted it up to the light and moved it around so bounced off of the ruby. 

“The Uzumaki kid has no taste, Sasuke will be jealous of this oneday.” Madara said. 

“I d-don't want him to be jealous.” 

Itachi did not wish any unhappiness upon his brother, no matter how small. There was a sliver of resentment, if he was really honest with himself. He had given up most of his childhood to raise Sasuke when his parents were lacking. However, he would do it all over again. Sasuke's happiness was precious to him, he had been the only light in Itachi’s life before Shisui. Even if there were times when he wished he had had more freedom, he never would have taken it, not if Sasuke had needed him. 

“Well, he will be.” Madara tilted his head towards Shisui. “You did good.” 

Shisuis smiled in that way that made his cheeks raise and his eyes crinkle up, so broad and delighted that it made Itachi's face hurt just to see. Any praise from the person he saw as his father, no matter how small the time of actual guardianship had lasted, was absolutely irreplaceable to him. 

Shisui didn't even call him his father, but he had admitted to Itachi that that was how he saw him. 

“Put it on and see how long it takes them to notice.” Madara encouraged Itachi.

Despite the lack of blood relation, the wicked expressions that suddenly crossed both Madara and Shisui's faces were identical. 

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> if u were curious, this is what i was imagining itachis engagment ring to look like, but u can imagine it however u like rly: https://jewelrybyjohan.com/products/ruby-engagement-ring-ruby-redwood-1995
> 
> it wasnt exactly what i wanted, but i rly wanted to have this out for christmas (i still have a few hours left where i am) so i cut and rushed a bit. this au kind of interests me, mostly bc of itachis psyche, and itachi and shisuis pasts and how they got together is also interesting, so i might expand on it one day. btw, i love sns and sasuke, so i wasnt trying to bash them at all with this. even in this au sasuke also had a hard childhood. but this is about itachi so~ 
> 
> merry christmas to everyone who celebrates, and for those who dont, i hope you had a good day and you were still able to enjoy this fic! 
> 
> pls feel free to tell me what you thought if you want!


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